3 Things I Hate, Vol. 1: Bands/Singers

The following is the first installment in a series of blogs entitled "3 Things I Hate." This inaugural entry focuses on the three bands or singers that I despise the most. In general, I'm really not that picky about the music I listen to (come on, my favorite band is blink-182), but these three examples really get me fired up. Here's the hate:

3. Atmosphere
Atmosphere is a hip-hop group that has apparently been around since 1993. I have just recently heard of them because their song “You” has been getting pretty frequent play on alternative radio. Atmosphere falls into a genre of music that I have dubbed “Alterna-Rap,” a hybrid of alternative rock and rap that rarely produces anything worth listening to.

See Also: The Flobots
See Also: Shwayze

The single “You” stands out to me as pure crap, in particular, because of its lame, monotonous beat and asinine lyrics. Atmosphere’s rapper, Slug, sings about life as a waitress who is treated poorly by customers and hardly makes enough money to get by. These lyrics would be fine, had they been sung by a woman who lived her life as a waitress and hardly made enough money to get by, but, since they are being sung by a 35 year old musician who hasn’t had a real job in over ten years, they are completely ridiculous.

The fact that Atmosphere’s newest record, When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold, (I’m not making this up, that’s really the title of their album. See now why I hate them so much?) debuted at number five in its first week of release, selling over 36,000 copies, has left me with no choice but to lose all faith in humanity.

2. Amy Winehouse
When is this bitch going to do us all a favor and just die? Amy Winehouse became famous a couple of years ago when her album Back to Black, earned critical praise, sold over nine million copies and won multiple Grammy Awards. While I’m not a fan of her music (it’s just not my thing), I can almost understand why people like it. It’s somewhat original, and her voice isn’t terrible. The reason Winehouse makes this list has little to do with the quality of her music, and a lot to do with the fact that she is a pathetic excuse for a human being.

I would usually love the irony of her entering rehab as her song “Rehab” (which contains the lyrics “They tried to make be go to rehab, but I said, ‘No, no, no’”) was topping the charts, but I am too sick and tired of hearing about her smoking crack, beating people up and whining about her jailed husband, to appreciate it. She causes all kinds of problems for herself, yet expects people to feel sorry for her. I’m sorry, but anybody who gets diagnosed with emphysema and continues to smoke rock doesn’t deserve to live, let alone be applauded by millions of fans, record executives and music critics. As lame as it is, kids do look up to celebrities as role models, and giving Amy Winehouse the level of exposure she receives is irresponsible. Shame on you, Rolling Stone!

1. The White Stripes
I used to think the problem with The White Stripes was their lack of a bassist, but Jack White’s side-project, The Raconteurs, has proved otherwise. It has since occurred to me that the problem with The White Stripes is not their lack of a bassist, but their lack of talent.

Meg White plays the drums like she’s mentally disabled, with no apparent goal but to produce some kind of sound, she’s not picky about what that sound is. But even her random pounding isn’t the big problem with this band. The big problem is front man Jack White.

Jack White’s singing sounds like a four-year-old girl throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of a toy-store. His shrill voice and choppy singing literally make me angry every time I hear a White Stripes song. The worst part about White is that people will defend him rigorously. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase uttered: “Say what you want about his band, but you’ve got to admit Jack White is a great guitarist.” To anyone who believes this, kill yourself. You clearly do not have enough intelligence to provide anything useful to society; we’re better off without you. Jack White is a mediocre guitarist at best. Sure, he can play, but compared to other talent out there, he’s nothing.

Despite how strongly I dislike the band itself, the real reason why The White Stripes tops this list is their fame and acclaim (Yay, rhyme!). I can deal with bad music, but bad, yet immeasurably successful music makes me want to vomit. Though each record they release is a larger, stinkier pile of shit than the last, The White Stripes' last three albums have each received the Grammy Award for Best Alternative Music Album. Is the American music industry really that big of a joke? Sadly, I think so.