A close friend of mine, Patrick Castagna, wrote this guide to concert behavior. I found it to be not only informative, but fucking hilarious. Please, read on:
Through my years of rock concert-going, I have compiled a list of stupid things that are much too common among "rockers." they don't happen at every concert, but the bigger the show, the more things on this list there will be:
1) Slam dancing.
You may think that making your 110 pound adolescent body convulse in an epileptic manner makes you a cool punk rocker, but really your lanky, flailing arms and retarded leg gyrations are succeeding only in proving your lameness beyond a shadow of a doubt. What really baffles me is that people see others doing this and decide they want to partake in it. How can this ridiculous sight not immediately turn you off from slam-dancing altogether? Those of us who love rock music usually can't dance. That does not mean that we should make up a shitty, stupid looking dance and call it something other than shitty.
2) Moshing.
I respect the choice of some concert-goers to partake in a physical expression of music-induced adrenaline in a mosh pit. However, your lame excuse for a circle pit, which involves little more than pushing your emo friends around during an Anberlin performance is basically painting a vagina on your undersized women's jeans. Save your efforts for legitimate hardcore bands that merit throwing your weight around.
3) Water Bottle Throwing.
For some reason people think it is cool to throw a full, loosely-capped 5 dollar bottle of water into a crowd or at the performing artist. Unfortunately for you, this is not only a waste of money, but also a musical game of Russian Roulette involving my fist and your face if one of these bottles ever hits me. If you do this, I hope the person it hits finds you and rips your throat out.
4) Headphone Coercion.
I'm not sure what it is that makes people think that walking up to me with an iPod and asking me to listen to their shitty band (which isn't even at the concert, in fact they don't even have a tent) will get a positive response. I would also love to know why people think, in the year 2008, that this is an effective way to get fans. However, I can assure you that my response to this request will be something along the lines of "get a fucking Myspace."
5) Outlandish attire.
It's safe to say that if you are one of those guys who is wearing a pink tank top with baby blue shorts that are so short that they are hugging your junk, you are adding to the the concert's douche count. Things could be worse though. You could sport this very outfit, but top it off with white socks pulled most of the way up to your knees and a yellow sweatband on your forehead with a free sample Trojan Magnum condom stuck in it behind your ear. As a 5'4" tall white dude, everyone knows that condom will do little more than fall off if you try to wear it, so unless that Magnum is for your boyfriend's massive penis, please rethink your wardrobe.
6) Excessive Crowd Surfing
Crowd surfing is fine, except that it tends to pull people in who don't want to partake. For example, when I'm standing a fair distance from the stage and you come crawling over my back because you're going to break the world record for farthest crowd surf, starting 50 yards from the stage, I tend to not want to help you out. Not to mention that your insatiable need to have people grab your ass sends you awkwardly across the crowd, kicking the faces of the people holding you up. IF you chose to crowd surf, do it in moderation, and not in a group of 8.
7) Literature Dispersal
I can safely assume, if you are reading this blog, that you do not like Scientologists or their stands at the mall. Therefore, I know that you will agree that it makes no sense for people to go to a big concert with their bullshit books about Enlightenment and Transcendence as a part of their stupid fucking cult. If you walk up to me with no shirt on, dirt all over your body, and try to hand me a book from a tattered sack that looks like you brought it back from the Korean War, why would you ever be surprised that I say the first thing that comes to my mind? "That looks like a stupid fucking book."
8) Guitar Hero/ Rock Band all stars
Most people will agree that both Guitar Hero and Rock Band are enjoyable video games. Furthermore, most people who aren't total losers will tell you that it is never cool to pay money to go to a concert and hang out in the Guitar Hero tent all day trying to show everyone how much time of your life you have wasted strumming a fake guitar with 5 plastic buttons on it. No one cares what level you can play the fake drums or guitar at, because we are watching real bands just yards way from you.
9) Groupies/ Wannabe Roadies.
Here you go girls, the first thing on this list that is dominated by the female sex. These are the girls (though sometimes guys) who have seen one particular band at this show 10 or more times. They will say, without batting an eye, at 15 years of age, that this trendy one-hit wonder is the greatest band of all time. They will go to great lengths to memorize the names and ages of all the band members (and tell them to everyone). Then they will get to know one of them, and make sure everyone they see at the show knows that they know that person and got to go back stage once and watch the band walk from the stage to their bus. Don't be this person. If you are going to be a groupie, don't go telling people lame stories about you and the band. Your roundabout tall tale might be interesting to you, but all I hear is "I slept with the bassist."
10) Drunken heckling
We all know that it is too much to ask for every band in a line-up to be phenomenal. If this was the case, tickets would be much harder to get. Still, this is no reason for you, drunk off 80 dollars worth of concert beer, to go yell "you suck" at a hard-working group of musicians. Yes, I know I previously talked about a shitty band who couldn't land a spot in the line up pushing their music on me via iPod, but that is completely different. It's not that his band sucked, it's that that dude wanted me to listen to a crappy band on his iPod instead of a good band that I paid to see. You should never go taunting a band in mid-set, nor should you chant the name of the headliner in an attempt to get them off the stage early. If you do this, you can eat shit.
In conclusion, I encourage everyone to go to concerts and enjoy themselves. Jump around, sing along, cheer, cut your sleeves off, maybe even mosh a little bit when appropriate. Go ahead, fuck shit up. Just please use a little common sense and moderation to avoid making yourself look like a bigger idiot than most of the people around you. (After all, it would be too much to assume you aren't one to begin with)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment